Short Vents
Short vents to compensate for my incapability to write full-fledged articles/vents.
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Date format - DD/MM/YYYY
record #24 | 03 - 12 - 2022 - Afternoon :
Being attached to someone is not about the other person. It is your inabilty to feel complete all by yourself.
Today I realised that I was looking at "stuff" so that I could send to this certain friend of mine, well just to get some validation from them. This habit of mine was highly self-destructive. I would spend a day looking for things that didn't matter to me or helped me. Things that I would send to some friend(s) to get their validation or just to stay relevant. I would send videos, articles, memes, music, etc. only for them to rejoice, for maximum 30 seconds to 5 minutes. Then everyone including me would forget. Sometimes when they didn't care or when they felt cringe and not rejoice, it would directly affect me.
I developed this habit couple of years of ago, all the self-destructive habits were implemented by me with the sole purpose being "best-friends" with some people. Now, 90% of them no longer talk with me. I have no idea what I did but they no longer want to talk with me.
I haven't moved on from my past habits, nor have I moved on from those people. Well, I did move from the people. They kinda left me, so I have no incentive to stay. Moving on is the best option I had. I have moved on from the poeple, mostly. But the habits are still stuck with me.
record #23 | 02 - 12 - 2022 - Evening :
I've gotten over my old friend/ex. His absence no longer bothers me. I understand why he did things and I totally respect it. I do feel sad that our relationship (as friends) went south. I can't do anything about it now. What's happened has happened, it is what it is. I no longer need him in my life. I have other friends to talk with, friends to hangout with, friends to do the silly-goofy stuff with. I am happy.
This is a huge achievement for me and my mental sanity. I am glad this phase got over. I am free.
LMFAOOO, remember when I said I wanted to be friends with an "old friend"? JAJAJAJAJAJ HE LEFT ME. Anyways, I have moved on. Who cares? It seriously doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to waste my energy trying to get back to him. Let him be from my torture.
record #22 | 24 - 11 - 2022 - Morning :
It's been a month since I updated my site... Sad stuff. I have been trying to move on from my ex since the past few months. The latest attempt has been fruitful. I have now moved on. Everytime I thought I did move on, I actually didn't move on properly. I was in a delusional state... Ok, it's like this, I made some progress everytime I wanted to get over it. But I failed. But again failures are experiences, I used these previous failures to avoid failure this time. It worked.
Sorry my English isn't that great and I am trying to improve.
record #21 | 23 - 10 - 2022 - Night :
Happy Diwali!
Note to myself: Just because some old friends decided to reduce the amount of time they spend with you; It doesn't mean you need to become miserable you dumbf*ck. Focus on your goals and make progress in life. Okay, I must agree that I do miss my friends, or atleast the bond we shared. But, that shouldn't stop me from moving on. How do I move on? I have no idea.
I wish that I could be friends again with that "old friend" of mine. He does talk to me these days, but I probably annoy him. I annoy everyone, it's natural. Some people have the capacity to tolerate, some don't. I can't do anything about it. I can, it's just be less annoying.
But again, why do I even care if people find me annoying or not? Probably I feel like they would leave me if they found me annoying (Not because my friend parted ways with me, but simply because I am people-pleaser). I am a people-pleaser, since childhood, that's why I try my best not to annoy people. I wear multiple masks so that people don't see the ugly side of me. My friends saw it, they left.
At this point, I can't even rant or vent to anyone. I feel so anxious sharing stuff to people, also because I tend to overshare. I can no longer be comfortable with people. Attachment issues moment. I used to have attachment issues since childhood, it only got worse as a result of people sort off leaving me.
Things are temporary. Should've learnt that before. It hurts, but it's ok. Things change, we should too, to catch up with life.
I think he's (an old "friend" of mine) reading this? Wait I did share the website. I don't think he's read this.
Note to "ex-friend": If you are reading this, send me a message on Discord. We talk on there don't we? I want to be friends with you again.
record #20 | 20 - 10 - 2022 - Night :
Don't expect things from people. This is a late realisation for sure, but I am glad that I realized it. I should stop putting people on a pedestal when they don't deserve it. Stoicism is the way. I must become stoic in nature.
I don't have a personality of my own, my personality is a mix of personality traits I have copied from others. But wait, isn't everything a copy of everything else? You need to copy something to make another thing, isn't it? Okay, let's put it this way, you take "inspiration" from someone/something and try to implement or utilise it in something else. That's how life works right. Scientists take "inspiration" from nature, in reality, they are trying to immitate/copy ideas from nature.
Basically, what I am trying to say is, I took "inspiration" from other people and made my own personality. So basically, all the time I wasted a year ago being depressed was just useless. I mean, being miserable is, in itself, a useless thing in my honest opinon. There's no point in being miserable at your own misinterpretations of things.
Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.- Chuck Palahniuk
Bruh, this is no longer short-vents... This is more like a brief diary record.
record #19 | 17 - 10 - 2022 - Night :
I feels so lonely. I am not lonely. But I feel so lonely. Weird.
Well after talking to some friends of mine, I have decided that I will confront them, old friends, who now no longer want to talk with me, about how I would like to continue the relationship with them and so on. I plan to do this next month, because I do not have the courage or the confidence to confront them right now.
Found this video... https://youtu.be/WnEw4f_nwPw
record #18 | 15 - 10 - 2022 - Night :
I guess I did ruin my relationship with that one person. Nope actually ruined my relationship with 2 people, who were my best-friends(One was my ex and one was someone who I saw as my own brother). Wow, this is great! My life keeps getting lonelier and lonelier day by day. Maybe, I just perceive my life as lonely even though I might not be lonely at all. I probably might be in a bad company with myself. Yes, that's true, I am not a good friend of myself. Well, I wasn't, now I am a good friend for myself. I love myself.
I annoy people, but that's ok. I am a shitty person, but that's ok. I am not a good friend for other people. People find me annoying, but again, it's fine. A major skill issue on my behalf. I need to leave the people who left me. I know only few people see this website, atleast this page. That's cool, because that's what I wanted. Anyways, I hate myself for ruining relationships with others. But, that's the past, the present needs me, and the future awaits me.
Everything feels like it's falling apart. It's fine, maybe this is supposed to happen. Maybe I am overthinking. Perhaps I am clinging onto things that have ceased to exist, or were imaginary. It is what it is, whatever "it" is. Let life just flow. Everyone's going to die someday, everyone's going to forget me someday. Nothing is permanent, I wish it were.
Life sucks but that okay. This is my karma, it is what it is. Other good friends exist. And I am glad they exist. I am thankful for god to help me reset my life several times. I am glad I didn't commit suicide back then. I am glad that I have basic necessities. I am glad that I have the privilege to make my own website. I am thankful for my (former) best-friends for leaving me alone. Why? I get to see my life in a perspective, a life where I am no longer bonded to them.
TL;DR, It feels like they left me. Perhaps, they no longer need me in their life. It feels like I am the one who annoys them constantly. That's all.
record #17 | 13 - 10 - 2022 - Evening :
Ok I feel like I messed up again. I won't get this opportunity again, And yet, I wasted it. I messed up for real. My old friend started talking with me again. It felt like he wanted to re-establish a new friendship with me. I feel like I ruined it ;-;. I am not surprised. It happens always. WHY HIM. WHY ME? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Fuck it. This is usual. Either, I open up too much, or I don't even open up.
He's(my old friend) been appearing in my dreams since September 10th. Yes, around that time. UGH, I FUCKING RUIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY OWN HAND. Fuck it, we ball, we go jim. This is more like a rant than a vent. The feelings I was running away from, came back to me. It's difficult to cope than before. Yes I have feelings for him, but what's the point... It's not like he's going to ask me out or anything, nor am I going to ask him out (I don't have the guts do so). HECK, HE'S MY EX. WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON?
Ok I need to calm down, apparently, I feel a little bit safe. I was getting anxious over nothing. Jim >>>. It's back to square one. I hope it continues this way.
record #16 | 04 - 10 - 2022 - Evening/Night :
Things are looking bright for the future. Not that anything in my life has changed, it's just that, I feel a bit more optimistic than usual. Lt's hope that this continues to tomorrow.
I need to work on my delayed gratifaction. I am being controlled by my impulses all the time. It's time I take control of myself.
I need to start to implement deep work into my life. I need to get back into the grindset.
record #15 | 03 - 10 - 2022 - 01:16 PM :
It's been nearly a week since the last time I wrote something here. Well, I just realized I am a tech hobbyist. I mean I have been a tech hobbyist for some time now, it's just that, I didn't see myself as a "tech hobbyist".
I have a test on 06th of October. The subject is AI. When will I become serious regarding my academics. I guess, now is the time. They say, "Better late than never".
It's high time that I improve my English. Both spoken and written English. For my future and for academic reasons.
Also, I really wish if I could become friends again with someone who left me. I am being constantly reminded of that person. It's annoying because I don't have the guts to say "The past is the past. I have changed and you have changed too. Let's be friends again!". I don't seem to have the courage to convey my feelings to that person. I really wish if I could just open up to them and talk with them.
Either I could do that, or just forget about them. They left me, I am only clinging onto them. I am clearly the idiot here. I get this flicker of hope when they text me everytime. Spending time with them makes me really happy. I can't understand why. I can't seem to detach and move on. It is what it is.
Using the Neocities editor is unintuitive, feels inneficient, I am changing to Visual Studio Code. By doing that, I can atleast maintain some sort of a backup (incase Neocities decides to remove some of my files, or Neocities dies. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
I heard that it's a common practice to maintain backups of things. I am definitely not the person who keeps a backup. Well, it's time to change that.
I don't like how my website feels. It's feels somewhat irritating. Time to renovate.
record #14 | 26 - 09 - 2022 - Night :
I need to make a sidebar to contain the navigation links.
I need to make this site more user friendly...
I need to write more articles and stuff.
My ex... I haven't moved on, have I? The answer, I haven't. Seemed like I did, but seems like I haven't. It will take time. The feelings have piled up. Will take consistency and efforts to break them apart. Anyways, there are a lot of things I that I want to share with him, but I don't think he has the patience to talk with me. I don't think he can tolerate me anymore. He's been ghosting me since 7-10 days. As usual, he hasn't unblocked me on Instagram. He's been appearing in my dreams since the past two weeks, it's sort of bothering me. Well, I am planning to write articles on him in vent page. Perhaps, this will atleast allow me to move on from him. Because if I don't, I will develop attachment issues and what not. No, I do have attachment issues, there's a reason why I can't move on. It will become a burden if I don't move on from him. It's becoming difficult to form bonds with other people too. I need act upon this issue.
I have made a new friend a few days ago, let's call her, Senpai-Sam. Not to be confused with the other Sam. It's high time I make a list of friends I have referenced in this website. Senpai-Sam is a very sweet person, if not, the sweetest person I have ever met. She wants to hangout with me sometime soon. I guess, that's because she saw this website and read these short-vents. The only time somebody wanted to hangout with me was in UAE. I had friends there, good ones...
Anyways, that's all for today. Goodnight!
record #13 | 15 - 09 - 2022 - Night :
[Yipeeee] Today's my birthday!!! [Yipeeee]... I am turning 17 today!
There's physics test tomorrow ;-; and the second day of going to my new school.
record #12 | 14 - 09 - 2022 - Night :
[Yipeeee] Tomorrow's my birthday!!! [Yipeeee]
record #11 | 03 - 08 - 2022 - Morning/Noon :
Life's been dificult but I can cope. I was thinking of getting into stock photography and stuff... There's this quote One penny may seem to be a very insignificant thing, but it is the small seed from which fortunes sring
- Orison Swett Marden
I think it's time I start grinding.
record #10 | 02 - 08 - 2022 - Night :
It's been a long time since I visited Neocities... Life has been shitty. And I have no clue where my life's heading towards. My family is kinda bankrupt and I don't know how to help them. Forget about helping them, I can't even cooperate with them.
Anyways, I met some cool people last week. There's this person in my school, Sam, he's an awesome person. Unfortunately, he's taken. Well, I need to focus on my academics and I need to start a side-hustle, like a youtube channel or something. I need some ideas for a side-hustle. I am currently learning 3D modelling using Blender. I should also get into graphic designing.
record #9 | 12 - 07 - 2022 - Evening :
While I was going through Dig Deeper's website, I found something called website called tilde.club. They (Dig Deeper) are hosting a mirror of their (neocities) website on there. Tilde.club looks interesting. Might as well write an article/blog on tilde.club on my other site.
My other site exists because I don't want irl friends/acquintances to know about this site. Also, I like how adding -g after blockman (on the url of the other site) will lead you to this site...
record #8 | 11 - 07 - 2022 - Night :
It's been 6 days since I have been away from Neocities. I am just too lazy to type things out T_T. I have been feeling lonely these days and I don't feel like playing Genshin. OH YEAH, I started watching anime againe. IT'S BEEN 6-8 MONTHS since I watched any anime. I have been watching clips on other social medias and reading manga.
I started Kaguya Sama: Love is War - Ultra Romantic yesterday. And I completed it today. I will now proceed to read the manga of Love is War. I am currently on chapter 239. There's something new to learn when you watch animes. Honestly, Evangelion has helped me cope with depression and suicide. It helped me a lot. I am thankful for Hideaki Anno, the man behind the existance of the anime adaptation of Evangelion.
I completed the orignal series (including Rebirth and End of Evangelion) in 2020 and I completed the Rebuild series last year. I have been thinking of writing an artivle on Shinji's character development in the Rebuild movies as it's continuous and gradual unlike the sudden character development of Shinji in the original series and the End of Evangelion movie.
record #7 | 05 - 07 - 2022 - Afternoon/Evening :
My parents are going through financial crisis. I don't know how to help them. I wish I could earn some money to help them... The only way way I can think of is earning passive income. You know like those speech/video transcription jobs and stuff.
Anyways, I was thinking making this website into a personal blog website. I have another site https://blockman.neocities.org. If you've viewed the footer while viewing my homepage then you might have encountered this website. I am going to turn that website into a place where I write some tech and anime related blogs... Nevermind, basically everything except for personal stuff will be on that site. This site will be solely used for venting and sharing my personal views on stuff which I don't want my IRL friends to see.
In conclusion, this site will contain things that I don't want my IRL friends to discover. The other site will be open to everyone.
My friend's Discord account got hacked. He fell victim for a social engineered phishing attack (I mean every phishing attack uses social engineering someway or the other). But this one was too good. I almost fell for it. It's kinda like that free Discord Nitro scam... but this one really plays with your mind, especially if the person that got hacked is a good friend of yours. So basically what happened was, I get this text from my friend saying that I did something wrong with a girl and I got exposed in some #exposed channel in some random discord server. I was blocked by my friend.
Who ever wrote the code and engineered this thing must be a genius. The below screenshot shows what I mean. I am really bad at explaining things.
So that's what happened... I almost fell for it, but I realized my friend's way of texting didn't match they way that message was written. Then I realized. My friend fell for a phishing attack... Wait is it even a phishing attack. It is a Social Engineering attack tho... Also, I forgot to mention, all my friends who recently texted this friend got this message... My alt didn't revieve the message tho. Probably because he might have deleted his account by then. Now there's no way I can contact him again, he blocked me on almost all social media platforms when we decided to part ways and discord was the only way we could stay in touch. Now his Discord account is gone... reduced to atoms.
I will have to write a blog or an article on this attack or social engineering in general.
It was Franz Kafka's birthday, the day before yesterday, on the 3rd of June. I wanna read his diary entries.
record #6 | 01 - 07 - 2022 - Afternoon :
Technoblade passed away today... This is just sad. Today is the first day of my summer vacations and this news makes me sad. Anyways, an old friend of mine texted me again. We have been sending each other anime fanarts...
I just realized I made this website a day before the birthday of this old friend of mine. But in the homepage I wrote that I started this website on 08th of March 2022. But instead I started this website the day before, which is 07th of March 2022.
I am thinking of playing Genshin again.
record #5 | 29 - 06 - 2022 - Night :
I live in UAE. 2 months vacation during summer. Makes me happy.
record #4 - 28 - 06 - 2022 - Night :
I can't accept my weaknesses. My vulnerabilities piss me off. It makes me depressed. Sometimes I think I am weak and useless. My mind goes into a downward spiral as a result of low self esteem.
It's hard to stand up again and become joyful once I enter a downward spiral.
PMO has desrtoyed my life. It continues to do so, I am not able to stop it. Everytime I open social media, I see some triggering shit. I get so may urges to do the deed. I end up masturbating. I hate post-nut clarity and the post-nut experience. It's just shitty.
I want to improve my life. I am not satisfied with my life. I am not at all focusing on the grind. Instead am focusing on other stuff. Summer vacation is going to start after 2 days. It will last for 2 months. I must use these 2 months to give myself a headstart. I can't compromise. My parents are going through financial difficulties. My dad got fired from his job recently. Life has been difficult.
I hope everything returns to normal as soon as possible.
record #3 | 25 - 06 - 2022 - Morning :
I woke up at 4:30 am today. Got scolded by my parents because I told them the wrong Pāraṇa Muhūrta timing... Oh yes, I forgot to write about Pāraṇa. Pāraṇa Ekadashi is the ritual of breaking the fast on the next day of Ekadashi and it is very important to do it on a specific time. And because of my mistake my parents couldn't eat during the Pāraṇa Muhūrta. Muhūrta (Sanskrit: मुहूर्त) is a Hindu unit of measurement for time along with Nimesh, Kāṣṭhā and Kalā in the Hindu calendar. It is common in Hinduism for people to perform or avoiding doing some rituals depending on the Muhūrta.
Today I need to prepare for my Computer Science test on Monday, and revise some Chemistry notes as well...
Man, how much ever I try to add colour to my life, It turns into monochrome. It's just a continuous cycle. So yesterday, a friend(and a classmate) of mine, let's say "D", wanted to do a zoom call with me. I said ok. While we were talking, he asked me, "Do you have any hangout place in mind? I would like to hangout with you during the summer break" and I was there silent. He then continued asked, "You know like the places you would go for hanging out with friends" and then it hit me. I almost cried that moment, because nobody invites me to hangout or something. I only went out and hanged out in special occasions because they'd invited me or I'd invite them. So yeah, we decided to hangout in a park nearby tomorrow.
I see people meeting every now and then and posting pics on instagram, I'd envy them because I have no such social life that my friends would invite me to hangout now and then. Maybe I am just not fun, or I am just not free enough to go outside my home.An old friend of mine, let's call him "Kosh" for now [Man, I need to make a friends list], invited me to hangout today, but I won't be able to hangout with him because I have to attend an online class today. My life is just sad.
I think I need to make a page for this because I just want to rant about how shit my social life outside of social media is.
record #2 | 24 - 06 - 2022 - Evening :
Today I became M's "bestie". She is a cool girl.
Today, I wasn't able to properly fast for Ekadashi. I broke my fast during noon. Ekadashi happens twice a month for one and a half. Unlike Ramadan fasting, Ekadashi fasting is, in my opinion, very lenient. You can only consume water and fruits. Wheat, Cereals, Rice, and any nervous stimulants(like caffene) are not allowed to be consumed during the fasting duration. Ekadashi fasting also requires you to follow Brahmachariam(celibacy), and it's difficult. Celibacy is difficult for me because I am a horny piece of shit. I broke the fast not by eating food... but instead by j*rking off to stimulating pics of anime girls.
"I am the lowest of the low"
- Shinji
record #1 | 23 - 06 - 2022 - Night :
So my ex texted me exactly after 6 months... Yes, exactly 6 months.
Damn, time sure does fly.
We started dating on July 22 2022. We stopped dating on August 09 2021. They broke up with me(as friends) on December 24th 2021. Today marks the day he left me 6 months ago. I don't think he will talk to me tomorrow...
Thinking about him makes me depressed. A lot of interactions with him went southwards because of me being a dumbass. I wish I could revive our relationship... I don't think it will happen anytime soon, or never...
I still love him(as a friend). I got over the breakup but yes, shit still makes me depressed. I should stop overthinking.
Also, there's this good friend of mine. He has a younger sister, It's been 2-3 years since I have started treatng her like my sister too(Reminds me of a line from a famous Indian pledge "All Indians' are my brothers and sisters"). I used to have a crush on her before though... We study in the same school. We usually don't talk to each other in real life.
Today, I met her on Instagram today and she kinda texted in a weird way(I personally perceive it as something weird; I mean I kinda felt the way she texted as "cute" because girls are usually bland when they send text messages to me. Also, some feelings that I had for her got revived). I mean it was my first time talking to her on Instagram. Either she texts guys the same way she texted me or there's something going on and I am not aware of it lol.
In the future, am going to this girl by the letter "M".